I’m Overweight. I have a face full of acne. I have facial hair. I have a big nose. I have imperfect yellow teeth. I have wide hips that make my body look somewhat irregular. I am someone who would technically be considered an outcast by society. I am the face of all things flawed. That’s the way I see myself.
Believe it or not; I’m so tired of feeling this way. Feeling like I ate too much. Feeling like I need to be perfect. ” 5 seconds on your lips, A lifetime on the hips. ” I’m not a person who wants to live by that. Yet I continue to follow that saying as if my life depended on it.
I don’t even see myself as someone who is ever worthy of being loved or being in a relationship with someone. The way I see it, If I dislike myself this much, why would anyone even think about having an interest in me. ” Love yourself in order for others to love you.” Where’s the reason in that? Why say that as if it were so easy to do? Is there some rule book with steps to follow in order to realize your self worth? ” Find the inner you! Realize your self worth! ” Because if there is, show me the location of this grand book so I can make this a little easier for myself.
Something I’ve learned from not loving myself is that humans are the most hypocrite beings known in all of existence. Here I am, writing away about just how self loathsome I am when I just recently told my friend to love herself. I told her to push aside the evil, haunting thoughts about not being good enough. I told her she’s so much better than what she sees herself as. That perfection isn’t everything. That we must hurt and move on. Yet, I’m sitting here on a sunny day talking about hatred, and being imperfect. Would you look at that.
Don’t take me too seriously though. Just like everyone else, I have my good days. I have days where it seems that life couldn’t get better. I stop and say to myself ” This is it. This feeling, This is as happy as happy gets.“. Then comes the haunting and vacant time known as night. When all the lights are off, everyone is asleep, you can find the dim light of my desk lamp reflecting off the walls. I lie in bed, and make problems for myself. Problems I didn’t even know existed, I make them become a reality. What’s up with humans and always feeling the need to feel sadness. Why are we so in love with pain. Why is it that once we’re happy, we find ourselves running towards the pitch black depths of sadness.
I’ll probably never know the answers to those questions.
For now, I’ll keep dealing with pain and any other negative human emotions that come my way. I’ll deal with it all and just hope for a better way of living with myself. I know someday I’ll find that place. That in between place where it’s not all rays of sunshine but it also isn’t dark.